Alan The Angry Aardvark

Fiction By paperpoet // 11/27/2010


Alan, The Angry Aardvark
There once was an aardvark. His name was Alan. He had self-control issues. He would become angry very easily and began to develop some destructive habits as an outlet for his anger. His worst habit was biting. In fact, he would often take a bite out of the person before him in line at the supermarket and the movie theater. As you might imagine, his social skills did not go over well with the average supermarket and movie theater goer- or the police. After his latest chomp- Vanessa Hudgen’s shoe- and as she decided to press charges over the loss of her beautiful footwear, he was required to either spend the rest of his life in jail, or take the state’s anger management program. After much thought, he reluctantly chose the anger management program over a miserable life in the town’s moldy old jail. His first class was called ‘Letting Go of Your Anger’. This was very hard for Alan, because Vanessa Hudgens had been very rude to him and called him an anteater. The next week’s class was called ‘Dealing with People in the Future’. This was about the future- that was easier to deal with then it would have been if the class had been called ‘Dealing with People Now’. Unfortunately this was exactly the name of the next class. He survived ‘Dealing with People Now’ and moved on to ‘How to Control your Anger instead of Biting People’. Alan learned how to sooth his anger in more constructive ways, such as taking deep breaths and counting backwards from 900. After graduating from his classes, he decided to celebrate by going to the premiere of ‘Under Aardvark’. Unfortunately, Zach Effron and Vanessa Hudgens just so happened to be at this same movie theater. As you may imagine or have foreseen, Alan was very upset by seeing his old rival. She had an expensive new pair of shoes… But! As you may or may not have foreseen Alan took a deep breath. He dealt with Vanessa then, he controlled his anger instead of biting her shoe and then he started the long process of counting backwards from 900. After completing all of the above he slowly turned and walked over to Vanessa and Zac. “Excuse me,” he said “I believe we met before? I would just like you to know that I am not an anteater. I am an aardvark.” Vanessa just stared at him. As Alan walked off she turned to Zac and asked “Was that anteater talking to me?”
          The moral of the story? Don’t bite Vanessa Hudgen’s shoe.



This was really funny :D Is Vanessa Hudgens an actress?

Laura Elizabeth | Mon, 12/06/2010

The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --

Yes, she is. I wrote this

Yes, she is. I wrote this when the first High School Musical movie came out. (Joy of joys)

paperpoet | Mon, 12/06/2010


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