The Good Shepherd

A Poem By Renee // 12/7/2010

 I know some parts don't sound quite right, so any suggestions are welcome!

There was a good shepherd
Who cared for his sheep
They followed his will
And his word did keep.

One day the enemy
The deceiver of all
Crept amongst the flock
and to one sheep did call.
 
"Listen dear friend,"
He said with a sneer
"There's much better grass
If you'll come with me here."
 
"The shepherd wont notice,
He won't even care.
You'll have much more fun
So much better you'll fare."
 

The ignorant sheep,
Deceived by his talk,
Went with the enemy
Away from the flock.
 
At first he was happy
He felt oh so daring
Doing what he liked
With nobody caring.
 
The hours ticked by
And day faded to night.
The sheep was alone
And taken with fright.
 
He tried to get back,
But found he was lost.
He'd gone his own way,
And this was the cost.
 
In the dark he was blinded
And saw not the ravine.
He lost his footing,
with a scared bleat, he fell in.
 
Back in the fields
The shepherd gathered his sheep
To a safe place
For the night, to keep.
 
Carefully he numbered them,
Making sure all were there.
"....Sixty one... ninety nine..
There were one hundred in my care!"
 
Quickly the shepherd
Set out to locate
His one lonely sheep
From it's miserable fate.
 
For hours he searched
Without turning away,
'Till he found his lost sheep
And in his arms it lay.
 
The good shepherd spoke
So softly and caring,
"Follow me dear one
and your burdens I'll be bearing.
 
Follow my instruction,
Wander not away.
I'll keep you safe,
And by my side you'll stay."

 

Comments

 Very good poem :) I just

 Very good poem :) I just have a few suggestion to make it flow better.

1st Stanza: On the last line, it could be, 'And his word they did keep'.

11th Stanza: "To a safe place 
For the night, to keep."
Could be:
To the sheepfold for the night
Safely to sleep.

12th Stanza:
"....Sixty one... ninety nine..
Coud instead be:
"...Ninety-eight...ninety-nine...

13th Stanza: Replace locate with rescue.

15th Stanza: Instead of
"and your burdens I'll be bearing."
try,
"Your burdens I am bearing."

Although I know that looks like a lot, it's really not :) Very good poem!

Laura Elizabeth | Wed, 08/31/2011

*************************************************
The best stories are those that are focused, unassuming, and self-confident enough to trust the reader to figure things out. --

http://lauraeandrews.blogspot.com/2014/05/dont-tell-me-hes-smart.html

 thanks for the feedback!

 thanks for the feedback!

Renee | Thu, 09/01/2011

Navigation

User login

Please read this before creating a new account.